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I just finished seeing Amélie. And I don't think I'll ever be the same again.
I've wasted my time on silly things and never on the things that matter.
And I've lost all of my chances, all the ones life's given me.
I've been too insecure, introverted, and stupid. Don't get me wrong, I love being introverted.
But sometimes, I have to risk myself a little more.
I feel like a movie eight years old, was made exactly for me.
But there's one quote by Raymond, the artist with glass bones, that I still can't get off my mind.

'You mean she would rather imagine herself relating to an absent person than build relationships with those around her? '

I think that's exactly what I've wasted my time on. But is it so wrong of me to think that those around me don't deserve my trust?
I don't think I'm better, I'm just not like them.
But then again, I find myself coming home to find nothing. Just emptiness.
I know there's no one online to want to talk to me. I know my mother is busy and everyone has a life of their own.
It's my fault I'm not in any of theirs, I've chosen not to be. But now it's late and I'm tired of waiting for something to stir in the water.
 I know nothing ever does for people like me anymore. You have to be famous to be remembered, or talked to.
No one ever has interest in a person hiding in the shadows. In a person that no one ever knows.
 Only an 'Amélie' of life would. I wish that one day I met someone like that. A person that would lead me through the dark alley and into the light.


I'm starting to think that what Suzanne said was true.

Old Man at the Two Windmills: Still, true love does exist.
Suzanne: I know. After 30 years behind a bar, I'm an expert. I'll even give you the recipe. Take two regulars, mix them together and let them stew. It never fails.



Man in photo: She is in love.


But anyways, watch the movie. She really will change your life.
 

I'm guessing Marilyn Monroe is now the most talked of celebrity at the moment since some never found pictures of her reappeared. I've always been a fan, but lets see why she's the biggest idol of our time.
(You should definitely watch one of her movies.)

Other than being a great model and actress as you can see in the picture above, she was special.

"I'm trying to find myself as a person, sometimes that's not easy to do. Millions of people live their entire lives without finding themselves. But it is something I must do. The best way for me to find myself as a person is to prove to myself that I am an actress."- Marilyn Monroe
She's...everything every woman should want to be. Hidden and waiting to be found. She never really let anyone know who she really was.


Calling her a sex symbol is totally out of character. As I say , everyone sees what you seem to be and nobody sees who you are.

Aside from being an amazingly talented woman, she was insecure, terribly insecure.
"I don't want to make money. I just want to be wonderful, " As if she wasn't already!

You can see that in the way that she talked. The only way that she was 'free' was in front of the camera. It was a way of 'calling out' to people and expressing herself. She was beautiful, talented, and glorious. Still, she never really managed to see that. Being dumb would have saved her, but she was too smart for herself to handle.

Sometimes I like to read her quotes and even my mother criticizes me for my admiration towards her.
I guess some people just don't understand others. Or they just don't care to look hard enough. They just see what they want to see. Sometimes we should look past appearances and look into a person's soul, not sell it for fifty cents.

In Hollywood a girl's virtue is much less important than her hairdo. You're judged by how you look, not by what you are. Hollywood's a place where they'll pay you a thousand dollars for kiss, and fifty cents for your soul. I know, because I turned down the first offer often enough and held out for the fifty.-Marilyn Monroe

Some people just will never know how much a person can give, other than their money-winning standards.

I stepped out into the cold night air, mask covering my face. My long coat kissing the snowy, wet ground, while the heels of my shoes tapped restlessly against the ground. My breathing was heavy and my steps were light. I walked faster as I felt the snow fall upon my shoulder. My eyes burned of the cold and my nose was hard and unmoving. It was becoming harder to reach my destination, for the ground was freezing faster. I knew I had to be there soon; this would be the only chance that I would ever have to be with him.

I wondered if he was going to be surprised, or happy, or maybe even disappointed. Maybe he didn't want to see me. For a reason he hadn't come to my house before. He had never even replied to my letters. Maybe I was just making a mistake visiting him. I hesitated, but moved on. I was just a minute away from his house.

When I reached the mansion on Dream Street, I thought. 'Maybe he won't talk to me, he didn't talk to me before.' I twisted my heel. 'But I love him. I...have to.'

He sat beside the fire reading the letters Sandrine had sent him. She was beautiful, strong, and independent. all that he had ever wanted. But he was afraid of her, of the same qualities that he had learned to love. That's why he hadn't replied to her letters. Maybe this was a good time to visit her, she only lived 15 blocks away.

I hesitated again. I was not going to make a fool out of myself, I'm just going to go. I turned around, somehow knowing this was my last chance. I walked back to where I had come from. Out into the dark snowy night.

He knew that this was his only chance to talk to her and make things right. And so he stepped out into the cold, jacket slung over his shoulder, in case that she needed one. His black hair was dull against his bright red sweater, and his black pants felt humid against the snow.

He carried on his path, he was only 2 minutes away from her house; his body ached from the cold. He walked fast but he tripped. As he lifted his face off the ground he found himself coming face to face with Sandrine. Her hair was glued to her porcelain face and her sweater was wet. "Oh my God, Sandrine, I'm so sorry!" Then realization dawned on him. She had frozen.
"But..how! What where you doing? I'm so sorry I wasn't there with you." A tear slipped.
"How could I be so stupid, so selfish, only thinking of myself. If I would have been there at her house like she asked me to, this wouldn't have happened!"

Sometimes, you just have to trust your teenage hormones and go straight to your boyfriend. But when you're older, you just have to trust your heart.

She stepped out in the cold swept linoleum floor  hallway of the hospital. The air smelt a sweet prickling smell, as sweet as death could smell. My nostrils flared up when they reacted to the smell. My shoeless soles were numbed by the cold and my fingers felt frozen as they stood against the wall taking hold of my weight. I let go of the wall and walked forward, to the room next to mine. In the bed next to the window was the woman that had cared for me as much as my mother does. She was sick, not with a terminal disease, but I knew she was going to die soon. She wasn’t strong enough. Her breathing was short and in gasps. If she lasted one more year, it would be a miracle.

But I also knew that I didn’t care at all about what happened to her. I did care, but not about her, more about what her death was going to make my life like. Maybe, I’d have to move in with her husband and my mother, maybe I’d have to sacrifice my obsessive exercise habits, or my eating habits. Maybe, my life would start all over, and I didn’t want that. Because as much as I’d like to start my life again, I would regret not meeting the last friend that I have made, and not having my mother around to tell me to study and focus more.

I just stared at her soon-to-be-lifeless body and wandered what my future would be like. I stared at her thick stained hands, her plump pale body, and her unpainted ash black hair at 66.  I noticed that the sheets covering her had gotten thinner and the clock in her room moved faster than all of the others, maybe as a sort of warning.

I wanted to feel sorry for her, and I wanted to be afraid for her. I wasn’t, no matter how much I tried to cry and feel bad. Sometimes I’d even want to hurt myself to feel what she felt as her throat burned and her fever rose nonstop. 

I carried my razor blade in my hand, waiting for the right moment. I walked out of the room and walked into the bathroom, staring at my reflection. I knew that I wasn’t going to do it, because I didn’t care about what happened. To me, to her, or to anyone around. I had lost all of my humanity.

“Why? Does she think that we hate her? that I have forgotten her existance?I can’t live one minute of my life without thinking about her and about her auburn hair, her sweet sick smell, and her fucking thin body! Can’t she see how much I love her?!”

“How could who see how much you loved her?” He asked the young 19 year old calmly.

“Her! Can’t you see her?” He desperately cried.

“Maybe, maybe you’re just… in love.” The doctor patted the young boy on the shoulder and walked away.

I stared past the window and into the outside world. There they were, the ten Evan sisters. Some blonde, some brunette, and some black haired. There was Dolly the dreamer, Sandra the realistic, Georgina the observer, Alexandria the outgoing, Willow the wise, Clarice the comedian, Cindy the liar, Miria the honest, Loix the lover, and Nadia the hater.

Dolly wrote in her yellow colored notebook, her hopes, her dreams. Sandra frowned as she saw, or rather, believed she saw the ignorance in which Dolly lived in. Georgina stared past the birds and into their nests, how they would feed their newborns, while Alexandria talked, no--- flirted, with her next door neighbor, twirling her long black hair. Willow sat in the corner of their colorless square house, talking to her younger sister, Clarice, while she only ignored her making witty remarks about Willow's advice. Cindy was trying to convince her mother about the fact that she had broken her glass window, her tall mother only nodding, while Miria convinced her father otherwise. And lastly, Loix, in the backyard garden, making love to her enemy, while Nadia fought with hers.

I felt like God as I watched them, like I had control over them. Like somehow, I wasn't part of the world that they lived in. I lived in a whole other world, with other beliefs, plants, animals, and most importantly, people.

Sometimes I would walk past them in the hallway, sometimes we would even talk, but I knew I was never meant to be part of their group. While they would talk about birds, I would think about birds, oceans, and trees. They could never think more than one thing at a time, while I could think a million. I was a whole different species, yet , I was the same. I was all of them at once, Dolly the dreamer, Sandra the realistic, Georgina the observer, Alexandria the outgoing, Willow the wise, Clarice the comedian, Cindy the liar, Miria the honest, Loix the lover, and Nadia the hater.

In the end, their beliefs hung on thread, while mine were carved on iron. Their ideas manipulated and their actions planned. But they were all that I've ever wanted and not wanted to be. They were human.

So tonight I re-watched the last Gossip Girl episode (while somehow managing to watch Skins at the same time!), and I was so furious! Everyone that knows me, knows that I am deeply and unbearably in love with Chuck Bass. I was so devastated about the fact that he could sleep with Vanessa, knowing how much he really cares about Blair (deep, deep, deep, very, very, deep down in his heart). I know that B & C were never meant to be, but, I still love that couple and have high hopes.

Lately, I have starting to ease up a little bit with the idea of Nate&Blair together again. They're cute. Plus, they make the perfect couple, she's the bitchy snob ( which I love!) and he's now the clueless (but not so clueless) charming boy, very prince charming. So maybe Prince&Bitch won't really be that bad. I am waiting very patiently for the new episodes though!

Oh Dan, Dan Humphrey. You had to make that call to Scott! It was so surprising that Scott is actually Rufus's son!

Well, I have to go watch Girl, Interrupted.
P.S. If you have never watched Skins, watch it! It's almost just like Gossip Girl!

He sat at the edge of the bed, placing his dark blue socks on. His jet black hair falling over his sleepless eyes and frowning brows. The bare chest of his body exposed to the naked light of the night light. She twisted in her sleep, maybe trying to ignore the nightmares she knew as life. He was careful not to make a sound when he placed on his shoes and carried his small bag out the door.

He turned his car on and the stereo volume up. Taking a big gasp of air, he wiped away the tear that had been born in the corner of his left eye.

This was his life, he lived alone for a long period of time, and when he found someone, he had to leave them. Because behind his jet black hair, ocean deep eyes, and sharp, thin nose, was hiding the damnation of a man with a curse. No matter what he did, he always hurt the ones he loved. And so he tried to distance himself away from people, but he always fell in again, for the same person.

Anna Love. She was the thing that he had always wanted, not mattering the price he had to pay to have her. In the end he always drove away, and she would always take him back, because there was no one out there for her better than him. Even if he could barely speak to her without making her cry. Sometimes he would try to hurt himself for what he'd done, but he never could.

They would always fight, jokingly of course. But sometimes, he turned those fights into something that he couldn't take back. She said things too, about his past, and the way that he was. But those things, they could be taken back.

He had come from an apparently normal woman, then she left him, leaving him to be raised by a drug user who injected him too. She taught him to steal and sell drugs, as well as other things. He grew to be a monster who hurt everyone he touched, even with the slightest touch of his breath.

He hit the pedal, in hopes that he would be out of the town, the state, the continent, the world.

"He used to live in so much fear of himself that instead of not hurting people, he did hurt them. If only he would have lived as any man lives, forgetting the past, living in the present, and hoping for the future, the only worry he could have had would've been how empty his gel can could be."

“What would you do if I based my world around you, just so that I could watch you from afar?”-Me.

“Love me, because love doesn’t exist, and I have tried every thing that does.”-Everything is Illuminated.

I feel that the beauty in this world has been clouded by the damage trust has caused. It’s worn out, exploded, rotten, and filthy enough that can’t be ignored. I have no idea what to do. Friends are enemies. Enemies are enemies. Where are allies? Where is truth? Maybe true friendship only exists in books like Everything is Illuminated, City of Bones, and Extremely loud and incredibly close. Maybe I’ve just been so closed out of the world that I haven’t noticed how much it has changed and has left me behind with my old ‘unusual’ thoughts. Pardon me if I sound weird, actually don’t. It’s like one book said. “I want boys to think I’m pretty if they think I’m pretty.”Maybe I’ve just fallen in love with the wrong person, who if I may say, lives thousands of miles away and isn’t even aware of my horrid but real existence. Maybe I’m not in love and I’m just pushing myself to think so.Maybe I just want something I can’t get. Maybe I’m wishing for too much. Maybe i just have high expectations.

Don’t follow my path. Don’t set your expectations so high that nobody reaches them. Set them high enough to be reached my some, but the minority. Don’t be stupid and foolish regretting your life and your steps. Don’t look bad and realize things you could have done better, just accept.

Is there anybody out there hearing me scream! Is there anybody out there screaming out too! I want to know I’m not alone. Maybe even know that that person I care about feels the same way, even if it’s selfish. Because that is the human mind. We are selfish, greedy, lustful, gluttonous, adulterous, and the biggest assholes walking the earth. Some of us are even worse than serial killers, we kill with words. And words are sharper than knives.

I hate you for making me feel this way and I love you for doing it. Maybe you’ll know who you are one day. Maybe my feelings will explode inside of me like an atomic bomb and I’ll die. I hope you know either way.

Love me ,because love doesn’t exist, and I have tried everything that does.

Do any of you just look at yourself in the mirror and just want to rip it to little shreds?
To just live in a world where you love yourself because you don’t have any mirrors around you?
I’m terrified of what I see.
Physically and emotionally.
It scares me to think this way but I just do.
I feel like I’ve lost all control of myself, like everything around me is close to perfect, and I’m the only one standing at the end of the line.
Like when partial perfection was given I never got my part.
I don’t want to feel this way, and I can’t tell anyone I know, I prefer to do it here, because you’re all strangers, and it’s easier this way.
Yeah, I sound pathetic, I know, I’m not that stupid.
And I accept the title.
I just want to feel happy.
Because there’s a hole in my nothing close to me can fill.
I feel so ugly and disgusting when I look at myself.
And I am trying to change.
But…..it’s not so easy.
I want to scream bloody murder.
I’m not even sure I’m awake.
Sad part is, I know what I need.

After reading Alexandre Evans latest blog post, I felt
inspired to write what I wrote on the super duper long comment I
left him. So here it goes, I know no one’s going to read this but I’ll live.

I posted a similar blog in my account a while ago.
It does feel like I’m asking for a lot when I don’t have things my way.
I hate when people change , and sometimes having expectations
about them fucks [sorry it had to be said] everything up.
It’s happened to me with every person I’ve met.
I wish that one day I could just stop expecting people to be
the way I want them to be, but…I’m not so sure I’ll succeed anyway.
And people tell me I’m never satisfied with anything ,
friends especially. For example, I get a new friend,
I’m so excited I have finally found someone who understands me,
but in the end, they’re nothing like what you wanted, and often my mom tells me I can’t expect everyone to be the same as me, but
I’m so stubborn! I never pay any attention to her.
Maybe we’re[Me and Alexandre] both idiots for wanting things to go our way.
I want things to be exciting and fun too, but I know life isn’t that way,
and even knowing it, I don’t accept it. I wish that one day I could just
wake up a new person, with a whole different view of life.
Just having fun and talking to everyone and not being so picky.

Not feeling empty for once, just being ALIVE.

Have you ever felt like you have no one to talk to?
even though there are so many people sorrounding you.
You just don’t know how to trust them?
Like your friends are not really real, like they just agree with what you say because they’re probably sociopaths who want to fit in?
Okay maybe I went too far XD. That the only place where you are okay is in your own little world
drawing, writing, reading, and taking pictures?
Like you don’t know how to express emotions or even feel them sometimes?
Like you don’t know yourself? Like you hate what you do know about yourself?
Like you just want to close yourself in a little box, but you’re afraid of that little box because there you might not find what you’re looking for either?
Like you can’t accomplish the things you have tried to work so hard for?
Like you want to be free but don’t know how to be free?
Like you want to be alone but not feel lonely?
Like you’re afraid of making descicions because they might be wrong?
Like you feel you walk a path with no direction?
Like you have no inspiration?
Sometimes I feel like my ‘friends’ make my life more boring,
and I feel bad for feeling this way, but,
they make my life worse sometimes, like they want to do nothing,
just sit around and mope and all you want to do is avoid that.
I want better friends.I want to know the meaning of everything I see.
And it’s hard, because I know I’ll never know anything.
I have knowledge of what I don’t need to know, which is sort of sad.
But not of what I actually do need. I just would like life to be….
SIMPLE.
As simple as you can solve a problem when you write a book, and
you’re not living what’s happening in it.
I Want to be able to LIVE again. Not having to ask myself so many questions.
And wanting so many answers. I want to be a child.
An ignorant child, because ignorance is bliss.
I want to live in my own little world, where I can control anything and everything.

I don’t really want any of that. But I do.
Because if I lived in my own little world I would already be sick of myself.
Because I wouldn’t learn anything if every problem just solved itself.
Because without those boring friends life wouldn’t be the same.
Because those problems are the meaning of growing up and being alive.
Because maybe I couldn’t take the knowledge I don’t have. Some things are better left unknown.
Because maybe I’m not meant to have inspiration right now, it might just come later.
Because maybe not feeling emotions at the moment it’s what is best.
Because maybe just maybe I don’t know what I really want.

….Sorry for ranting.
If you don’t read this, it’s okay, and if you do, then great. Maybe , just maybe you might feel the same way as I do. This is probably a one-way conversation only but whatever.

~Gabriela

      I  cannot believe the world is how it is now. I walk on concrete happenings but I just cannot believe. My brain is simply incapable of taking in the things I see completely, but I know it is there.
     Pride.I believe most problems in this world come from pride.If we weren't so proud of maybe there wouldn't be so much war.Hypocrisy.How is it that we can stand next to a person and act as if we care but we just want to ruin their lives .Maybe because this happened to us and we cannot get revenge on the person that did it to us and so we do it to them.Hate.Why do we hate?What do we do by hating a person?Do we solve the problem?I do not understand people. Such ignorance and indifference.Is it impossible to at least once think and analyze the world and ourselves to see what we can do to change this? I think not.Friendship.Is that even a real word now?Is there such a thing?According to my experiences...no, apparently there isn't such a thing because they all use you and betray you.Maybe for the fun of it.Love.I believe that this word does not count much now. A  person may say 'I love you' but do they really mean it?It seems everyone just use other people for sex.Drugs.People like to feel like they have no problems so they pathetically go and use drugs.Do problems go away?No.But you do get more problems after using drugs.

     Anyways, I would like to know what people think about War, Hypocrisy, Friendship, Love , Hate, Pride , Drugs and more so comment please.

~Gaby